I was talking to Mike the other day and he was telling me how he got his old job back at blockbuster, and gets free rentals. Gee that sounds cool I was thinking. Why don't I ever have that kind of ambition though, just to get out there and do *something*. I swear I'd let my life fall to pieces if it didn't seem to run itself. Opportunity practically has to hit me in the face before I notice it...
And I have no idea what I want to do with my life or for that matter, what I want to do with it right now... I just wish somebody could waltz into my life and just take care of everything, make me never have to worry about finding money or a job or keep track of money, make me keep myself well-fed, and so on.
Maybe it's just bugging me 'cuz I don't feel like my life has much accomplishment type stuff to speak of. So I got a 4.0 this quarter (a first even), gee, great. Everyone says "way to go, that's so cool". And they tell me that it's an accomplishment. Why doesn't it feel like one? Maybe just cuz staring at textbooks and taking tests is like the only thing I'm good at--at least that's how it feels. My grandma was asking if I was going to update the portfolio I made for her like my sister is. I asked my mom "but what would I add?" Maybe I just don't like portfolios. I don't even have a real resume. The last time I made a resume, it was just a knock off of my high school awards "resume" I wrote to apply to colleges.
Christmas is coming up. But I really can't think of much I want. Mostly because what I *really* want isn't something you can wrap up under a tree. Right now, what I want is just somebody to hug me and kiss me all over and tell me life is going to turn out all right, and then just keep holding me tight till the loving energy just soaks into me so much that you can just see my happiness radiate from within.
But you can't buy love...Wanting is, I'd have to say, the worst feeling out there. Because it is contradictory to happiness. Couldn't I just be happy with what I have? Well, what do I have anyhow? Aside from a cold and a cough... =)?